n o c t u r n e

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dansdom asked: Denny's, you need to stop trying to make successful text posts.

dennys:

I know, we don’t even have to try. We’re just that good. But thanks for the input! Stay thirsty.

Holy S H I T

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Make ready the sacrifice

Make ready the sacrifice

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What in the hell is a “Bush Hoggin”?

What in the hell is a “Bush Hoggin”?

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I was exhausted last night. (But I got a haircut)

I was exhausted last night. (But I got a haircut)

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Morning.

Morning.

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Had a jeans boner a while back

Had a jeans boner a while back

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Not many people know this, but really the only reason I joined the Army was for the free suit.  (at Gadwall’s Grill)

Not many people know this, but really the only reason I joined the Army was for the free suit. (at Gadwall’s Grill)

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I hate what my life has become since I came home. Really even before that. Since I left for Basic. Since I joined the army. Since I had to drop out of college. Since I graduated high school. Since my parents got divorced. It’s all been one big long miserable string of tragedies, really. Haha.

Maybe I’m clinically depressed or some bullshit, who knows. All I know is I’ve felt this way for a very, very long time. You made it go away for a while like nothing else had managed before and then it came right back and made me start worrying and being sad all the time again. Then I did dumb stuff because I was miserable just like before I met you and had no idea why.

Maybe I’m just not supposed to ever be happy for more than a little while at a time or something. I don’t seem to be very good at keeping it up, for whatever reason. I’ve been a lonely old bastard in a young body for pretty much as long as I can remember. Thanks for making it go away sometimes, at least. I’m always gonna miss you really badly. Maybe not every day, but if I know myself, the sad isn’t going to go away for a very long time. Probably long after you’ve moved on to better things. I’m gonna die alone lol.

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I’m sorry I said that I’m sorry I ever loved you. That wasn’t true. We obviously can’t get along anymore right now and I hate that. I hate it more than I’ve ever hated anything because I wish it wasn’t so. I don’t know why I still love you but I do. But it’s clear we can’t be together right now. Maybe later, I guess. Either way, I’m never gonna regret all of it.

I’m sorry for my part in everything. Being dramatic, being emotional, over complicating things. I can’t keep my brain from asking questions, it’s how I’ve always lived my life. I don’t really know how to not think and talk all the time. I dunno, I could go on all day about the list of things wrong with me, I guess. I’m sorry you don’t want me anymore. Wish I was still special to you.

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And all you had to say was “Last night was dramatic”. Lmfao. The couple minutes of fooling around and kissing and cuddling were NOT worth how shitty you made me feel afterwards and today when I texted you. Which fucking sucks because I wanted them to be. I was so goddamn happy to see you last night. If I’d known how you were gonna be I wouldn’t have even gone in the first place.

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If you’d really cared about me you would’ve made a little effort to talk to me, instead of always acting like it was my problem, not yours. If I’d known that you were never gonna be the one to try and communicate, that it would always be me pursuing you and never you me, then I could have saved myself a lot of time and emotional investment. Too late now.

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Like I’m sorry I’m so stupid that I don’t understand you. I tried but trying made you mad so I guess I wasn’t good enough. I don’t know. I hate myself for making you such a big deal because all I ever wanted was your like approval and shit and I never fucking got it. I was stupid and weak and whipped and willingly let myself be unhappy because I wanted to make you happy.

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It just really fucks with my head and my feelings that you were all flirty and happy to have me around and intimate with the way you kissed me one second, then the next you won’t even talk to me and when you do you’re yelling and mad at me for talking to you and gritting your teeth and all this stuff…I can’t even tell you how sad thinking about it makes me.

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You were emotionally distant for the majority of the relationship, and I felt like nothing I said or did was ever good enough for you that you’d be willing to quit keeping me so far away all the time. It hurt. It really hurt and I put up with it for a long time because I loved you and thought it would change and I’d be good enough for you at some point. Guess I was wrong.